postpartum-body-8-perfect-things-to-say-to-new-mamas

Postpartum Bodies (8 Perfect Things To Say To New Mamas)

As far as humans go, there are a lot of post-baby bodys in the world. 130 million babies are born on our planet every year. So that's 4.3 bundles of joy born somewhere in the world every single second, which means there about 350,000 new mamas stepping into postpartum life every single day.

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That's a lot of poopy nappies

Women have been known to give birth to two, three, four, gasp five babies at once or have more than twenty children in their lifetime.

I had one pregnancy, two babies and I need to sit and have a cup of tea just thinking about doing it twenty more flippin’ times.

But some women do it, like it's no big deal.

Like it's no big deal!

And that’s just the thing. We’ve forgotten what a brainsmooshing outlandishly fabulous bloody miracle it is.

I mean come on! Show me the scientist that can build, build a human brain, a human brain people!! While at the same time giving a powerpoint presentation on last quarter's financials, taking care of a whining toddler or holding their own in a conversation about climate control and the lizard overlords?

Ha, you can't, because that scientist doesn't exist. But I exist, and I’ve done it (except for the presentation on financials, I'm awful with figures. Seriously, don’t let me in charge of them), and so have billions of Mamas all around the world, and why oh why is this not a thing? Like a major flippin thing!?! A Scientist would win a Nobel Prize if they managed to build a human brain. Women do it 350,000 times a day and then push those giant brains out through their tiny pelvises (or c-section incision) but all it gets is 'meh'?

And what's more, immediately postpartum, you’re given something incredible break-ee that’s 100% dependent on you for its survival. I mean, you'd get a few days off work if you had something like your appendix out, but when you give birth, you’re literally on duty for your first shift while they’re still stitching you back up.  

So why is is it then, that people try to say women are the weaker sex? Dang, women are crazy strong. Our bodies are amazing wonderlands of miraculous happenings.

Embrace the miracle!


Despite all this wonderousness, the narrative that surrounds a woman’s postpartum body doesn’t tend to focus on all of this outlandish fabulousness. Nay, that would make too much sense. What it tends to focus on is the all important issue of… How. She. Looks. Yes, indeedy. How she’s bouncing back. Boing. Boing. Ladies and gentlemen, she’s just performed a marvel of science. She’s responsible for our future. She’s built a part of the human race, but come on, really, how’s her thigh gap looking?

When you think about it even for a teeny second, how a  woman looks postpartum is a bizarrely insignificant thing to ponder. Especially after the whopper of a phenomenon her body has just performed. However, as it keeps coming up in conversation, I created a guide to help people pick their way through the *minefield* that is the postpartum woman and her perception of herself.

So here you are:

THE POSTPARTUM BODY

(8 PERFECT THINGS TO SAY TO A NEW MAMA).

A foolproof guide

The Postpartum Tummy

New Mama thinks she looks like she had twins but they seem to have accidentally left one inside.

You: your body is amazing. It performed a miracle. Here, have a cup of tea / gin and tonic / some chocolate / a high five / all of the above and more. OMG you’re flippin amazing. I love you.  

The Postpartum body 'Failure'

New Mama feels like a failure because she hasn't ‘bounced back’ two weeks (or two years) after building a tiny human from her her own body parts and pushing it out into the world.

You: your body is amazing, it performed a miracle. Here, have a cup of tea / gin and tonic / some chocolate / a high five / all of the above and more, OMG you’re flippin amazing. I love you. 

The Postpartum Exercise Routine

New Mama is feeling down because she doesn't have time get to the gym or the Mommy And Me yoga classes or the YouTube exercise video with all the toned smiling people, because of aforementioned tiny person(s) and she is looking less ‘Cosmopolitan’ and more ‘full fat milk’ every day.

You: your body is amazing. It performed a miracle. Here, have a cup of tea / gin and tonic / some chocolate / a high five / all of the above and more. OMG you’re flippin amazing. I love you.  

The Postpartum Boobs

New Mama is self conscious about her post-baby boobs which are too big, too small, too vein-ee, too saggy, too hard, too exposed, too… boob-ee, whatever

You: your body is amazing. It performed a miracle. Here, have a cup of tea / gin and tonic / some chocolate / a high five / all of the above and more. OMG you’re flippin amazing. I love you.  

The Postpartum Just 'Getting Dressed'

New Mama. Has. No. Clothes. Nothing fits anymore because her postpartum body is now the shape of a platypus, or somesuch, and getting dickied up for some much needed romantic time / lady time / leaving the house without the kids time, can actually cause her to crumple. Which is fine really because she’ll fit right in with the pile of crumpled clothes glaring at her from the floor. Also - who frikin’ invented crop tops?!!

You: your body is amazing. It performed a miracle. Here, have a cup of tea / gin and tonic / some chocolate / a high five / all of the above and more. OMG you’re flippin amazing. I love you.  

The Postpartum Changes

New Mama’s hair /skin / body shape / vajayjay / bum hole has changed as a result of the fabulous miraculous miracle she performed at some point in the past, and she feels a bit weird / self conscious / let down by her body’s response to building and birthing a human and it’s refusal to look to look like it did when she was twenty.

You: your body is amazing. It performed a miracle. Here, have a cup of tea / gin and tonic / some chocolate / a high five / all of the above and more. OMG you’re flippin amazing. I love you.  

The Postpartum Pee

New Mama isn't happy that she sometimes pees her pants when she gets the giggles.

You: Ooooh, talk to your doctor. It’s common but that doesn't mean you have to live with it. Oh, and … you’re flippin amazing. Cup of gin, five chocolate miracles etc.

In short, it’d be great if we could all have the (postpartum) body we want, or even better, want the body we have. But the way we may finally drag ourselves out of the dark age narrative on women’s bodies is that when we look at the postpartum stretch marks, the slightly (totally) saggier boobs, the totally flabbier tummy, the scarring and the wider hips and blubber, we choose to focus on the achingly wonderous miracle that this body has performed and give that new mama a damn high five for how fabulously amazing she and her post-baby body really are. And. Stop. Thinking. About. How She. Flippin’. Looks.

Her body is amazing, it performed a frikn’ miracle. She should have a cup of tea / gin and tonic / some chocolate / a high five / all of the above and more, OMG she’s flippin amazing. I love her.

Voila. End of conversation and everyone needs another bite of gin.

And hey, if you need some tips on how to help with practical postpartum issues like pain relief, tearing and haemorrhoids, this list is full of helpful ideas.  

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Cup of tea? Gin and tonic?Chocolate? High five? She deserves it all!
2 Comments
  • Ruka
    Posted at 21:50h, 17 November Reply

    Wow! Really insightful piece. Women are super humans, no one can tell me otherwise.

    • Mother of Snot
      Posted at 11:42h, 23 November Reply

      Thank you! You said it! We’re super humans!! Hurray!

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